Missional-Marinating

I am not a good sleeper.  Almost fifteen years ago I had a 10 month bout with insomnia. I went through all kinds of testing to figure out the problem.  At the end of the day it came down to one issue, my inability to deal with stress. I was only 22 at the time and my life really was not all that complicated. I had average stressors for a youngster.  I just felt every pressure and responsibility like it was a cinder block laid on my neck.  I wanted to convince myself I was a contemplative person but I really had a deeper rooted issue.

I was afraid of failure. I was afraid of not impressing the people around me. I was afraid of missing out on opportunities.  I was afraid I was not measuring up to some invisible standard that haunted me. I could not rest.

 

It was in that dark season that I came face to face with how self-conscience and impatient I was. I wanted to make a big impact and I wanted it to happen immediately. With all this external passion, internally I was riddled with insecurity, caught in an identity scramble and looking for approval.  
I could hide publicly by compensating with my personality but I could not hide it from my wife and from my physical body. It all eventually caught up with me.

The Spiritual Laboratory

What I learned years ago from this personal breakdown has directly informed how I view the formation of a Missional-Community in the present.  Missional Communities are more akin to a spiritual laboratory than they are an organization. The difference is not small. Cultivating an environment where people learn how to love unselfishly and reorient around community and mission is a process that requires a lot of massaging. No program can shortcut around this. No electric preaching series can speed this up. No event can launch this. Clarifying your communication won’t get everybody on board. Instead there is a slow process of transformation I've learned to welcome called Missional-Marinating. 

Seeking Slow

I’ll tell you up front, my old-high-capacity-leader-self resists this marinating process. My old self can’t rest, it can’t sleep. It needs quick returns, escalating numbers, regional buzz and high excitement. All of those pieces previously helped me to outrun feeling like a failure. But here in the laboratory of a Missional-Community, slow is our friend. Seeking slowness is essential in the stew of discipleship. Cultivating a culture saturated in the embodied life of Jesus requires purposeful patience. A new character needs to be developed while leading in this type of atmosphere. Slow is not something to bear with, it’s something to embrace. No longer am I trying to launch an organization that sparkles before its consumers. The call is to shape a way of life; to create a conducive setting for transformation. In this stew we need unhurried time and grace-filled space for: long conversations, unearthing conflicts, detox from consumerism, facing missional fears, relearning how to listen, frustrated prayers and moving beyond suspicion to trust.   

We certainly need to be intentional and honest in evaluation, but I've learned to be careful with measuring.  As a leader my tradition and culture tell me to quantify my success, set visible goals and find fulfillment from their achievement. So many of us live impatient lives materially and spiritually. We want to climb. We need to claw for attainment. We need to find angles to get control of the outcomes. We long for an immediate return on investment. But Jesus lingered in anonymity for 30 years in his neighborhood before going public with his mission. There is something to digest about the quiet and incremental nature modeled for us in Jesus.  

Everything about the formation of a vibrant community of people on mission is slow, seriously slow. I’m now convinced it’s a very good thing and more importantly where the Holy Spirit marinates with his people.

The Psychological Junk-Food: Cynicism

When we're young we all lean towards idealism, believing that not only the good but the best is inevitable, seeing the world simplistically: black and white, good and bad.  Then eventually we come face-to-face with the bucket of cold water known as reality. 

When we're disappointed by people and circumstances the bud of cynicism begins to sprout.  Cynicism is really a reaction to disappointment.  Either our idealism or our idea about how a situation should work out is met with resistance.  When we’re let down and angered we’re faced with how to respond.  It’s at this tipping point that our justifiable frustration can turn into a poison that enters our own blood stream.  A cynic is a dejected idealist. We begin to think that cynicism keeps us alert to the potential dangers that lurk from the individuals and organizations that try to manipulate us into believing what they say.  The cynical voice in our heads convinces us we are more “streetwise.” So we surrender to the cynic inside us.

I've heard it said that, “The problem with being a cynic these days is that it's difficult to keep up.”  There is certainly no shortage of targets for the cynic.  The Internet-age has accelerated and amped-up our deep potential to be cynical.  Someone is always saying something dumb online, saying something exaggerated that gets under our skin, saying something that baits us into a fighting mood.

Like junk food, cynicism begins to be our favorite meal after a while.  We lose sight of the long term harm because the short term consumption of this psychological junk food is so tasty.  We find some sense of satisfaction in recognizing how bad things are.  The expert cynic will point out that things are “even worse than anyone knew." 

Cynicism is questioning with a sour edge.  
I’m naturally a questioning person.  I’ve been asking big questions about everything related to Christianity since I was a teenager.  What I’ve discovered is that there is a difference between questioning and cynicism.  Cynicism often sneaks up on you, plants its seed and then uses disappointment to fuel its presence in your life.  I can notice a subtle spirit of cynicism creeping in on my attitude simply from reading an article that angers me.  Honestly, nothing gives a buzz like cynicism and so it feels powerful to give over to it. 

When are unaware of our cynical lens we unknowingly embellish the volume of the things we see as problems.  I’ve also observed that cynicism can lead to arrogance cloaked in education.  It begins to spot holes in others thoughts and plans and responds with “they are ignorant about something I’m educated in.”  The problem with this is that all humans will have gaps in their knowledge.

One of the main effects I’ve noticed as a church planter is that cynicism "soaked into a heart" makes it very, very difficult for someone to embrace a vision and give their energy and soul to it.  It causes them to keep the vision and mission at arm’s length.  It becomes awkward for them to buy in or go all in.

A Tenacious Unnatural Attitude 
Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 13:7: "Love… bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."  He was speaking of a tenacious-unnatural-attitude that keeps bearing, believing, hoping, and enduring in the face of disappointment with others.     It takes serious intentionality and perseverance to do community well.   Dietrich Bonhoeffer once said "community is something everyone wants but most bail on it when it starts challenging their attitude."   I find many young adults are shocked by the practical disciplines love requires on their cynicism while reorienting around community.  In my experience one of the glaring community-killers is the psychological junk-good of cynicism.

Lord of the Sabbath

According to Levitical law the Sabbath is one of the key identity markers for the Israelite's that they are “of Yahweh.” The rhythm of the Sabbath in all its forms (every 7th day, every 7th year and every 50 years) was the clearest living liturgy to remind them that God cares for them, provides for them and compels them to live generously (God also instructed them to allow the poor to eat off their land on the 7th day and then for an entire year during the 7th year). God gave the Israelite's the gift of Sabbath to help aid them in keeping track of their place in this world (sorry Michael W. Smith). Sabbath helped the Jews identify whose they were, as well as it was to “bear witness” to the pagan nations. The Sabbath was a living rhythm that communicated the provision of God amongst those who worshiped false gods.

So when Jesus gives himself the title “Lord of the Sabbath” in the end of Mark chapter 2 He is stomping on some toes. At the point that Jesus arrives on the scene there are a combined 60 oral and written laws surrounding how to keep the Sabbath. He challenges the most holy marker that cemented Israel’s association to the true God. When Jesus drops this bomb about the Sabbath being “in him” he is speaking to the core issue of how to identify yourself and how others should identify you.

What does in now look like for “Jesus to be the Lord of the Sabbath?”

We should not read our own evangelical concerns about people skipping church into this passage. Jesus is not speaking to the idea of going to church on a regular basis. This is not in his scope.

Jesus is stepping into the role as King, as Lord, as President and Ruler of the estate. He is communicating that in the arriving Kingdom people will find their peace, their order, their rest and their sense of who’s they are in King Jesus.

Jesus as Lord of the Sabbath is uncharted territory in most evangelical churches. What does it look like for a community of people to be at peace in their daily life because Yahweh provides for them? What does it look like to relax that you’ll have enough if you're generous with what you've worked so hard for? What does it look like to resist toiling with anxiety to better your financial status? What does it look like to have order and margin in the rhythm of your life instead of being ruled by the cultural demands American life thrusts on us? What does it look like to run in the other direction from being a slave to what the Joneses, your coworkers, your Facebook friends and your family think of your achievements and attractiveness?

The great indictment on American evangelical Christians is that we faithfully attend church on Sunday but Jesus has not become Lord of the Sabbath the other 6 days of the week. We do not bear witness to the world that we are at rest in the rat race of life. We do not embody a way that looks unique compared to life outside the Kingdom of God that claws for more, for better, for power or for recognition.

This reminds me of when I was 12, I would go to the mall arcade to play video games for the reward of tickets. I would insert quarter after quarter into slot on the game Asteroids. When those pink tickets rolled out I felt a sense of accomplishment and greed, hording every single one. I then would rush to the counter to turn them in at the redemption counter, only to receive a 25 cent pencil after spending my hard earned allowance of 5 dollars. At the end of the day all my insane gaming got me a pencil that I ended up losing on the bus the next day.

We do this as adults playing the game of financial success, investment,social recognition and racing for political power but we are left with very little to redeem. We try to find our sense of being and identity in these pursuits but Jesus says to us “I am Lord of the Sabbath.”

The Pursuit of Humility

A few years ago on personal retreat at a cabin I set out to catch some moles in the garden of my heart. I was not at rest going into that beautiful cabin with a warm and raging fireplace. I was anxious and unsure what God was doing in me and through me. After a couple days of digging I sensed the Holy Spirit setting a new agenda for me to live into. This new agenda was concerning my own humility or lack of. Inspired by Peter Scazzaro and Henri Nowen’s writing’s the following was what I wrote down in my journal. New tracks were being layed down for my character; humility does not come naturally so it must be an intentional pursuit. I revisit this journal entry quite often to refresh my focus on pursuing humility.

The Pursuit of Humility

1 – Recalibrate under God’s acceptance more than seeking acceptance from others – I’ve often felt the pull to be measured and valued by my skill level, my charm, the strength of my knowledge, my accomplishments and whether people agree with me. My Application: In response I will massage into my life a rhythm of solitude and space where I intentionally seek to be still, recalibrate with God, vent, and listen to what He says about me. I don’t study in these times. I purpose to sit still for a long period of time. Once a year I go to a monastery to have a few extra days to reclaim my emotional status before God. To be honest this is a gear grinding discipline for me since I’m an ADD type dude.

2 – Live in transparency and authenticity – I’ve noticed if I keep enough space people begin to idolize me and assume I’m a spiritual giant without doubts, fears, honest struggle and insecurities (this is one of the reasons we won’t podcast our sermons at Axiom). My Application: Be more regular in my teaching and counseling to mix in “this is how I’ve blown it”. In my closest relationships initiate sharing my present fears, doubts, struggles and discouragements even if for a moment that someone thinks I’m a weaker pastor because of it.

3 – Be willing to subject myself to authority – I’m a rebel by nature so I’d rather be independent. My Application: seek to submit to someone even if you don’t agree with everything they are about.

4 – Don’t injure those who inflict harm on you – The drive to retaliate in some way is in all of us, it feels powerful. I do this by talking slightly negative about someone who has wronged me. The last thing I want in my soul is bitterness that creates a cynical, disillusioned outlook on life. My Application: I’ve embraced a life principle of not seeking justice for the ways in which people treat me but only for the injustices done to another. This one frustrates my wife sometimes. She says “I wish you would defend yourself.” Thomas Aquinas said “To desire the good of another” was the definition of loving our enemies.

5 – Speak Less (with more restraint) – Its easy for me to think my opinion needs to be shared because I have one. It’s also a temptation to talk instead of actively listening. My Application: Hold my tongue for as long as I can. Tell myself I’m not the smartest one in the room. Validate what someone is saying first before I express my thoughts on a subject. Don’t talk over someone else. “The wise are known for their few words.”

6 - Be deeply aware of being chief of all sinners - After 15 years of successful ministry, a healthy marriage and family and 100's of hours of study it is a serious temptation to compare myself to the brokenness in others and think “I’ve got a lot over them.” My Application: Reflect concretely; reciting my sins, secret motives, ugly thoughts and heartless dispositions before God by writing them down in my journal to see them.

7 - Think in terms of serving instead of leadership - As a pastor, power and status are a currency that stirs up ugly stuff in me. My Application: Work to prop others up by coaching them to influence. Deflect attention sent my way towards others achievements and worth. Recount in front of others what other people are doing right. Lead in such a way that those you are leading believe they discovered change on their own. Don’t seek to take credit for ministry I’ve done,

8. Lean into conflict instead shying away from it. - When someone in my community has a problem with me sometimes it makes me nauseous other times it make me defensive. I've found that self-righteousness and arrogance breeds in me when I avoid a person who has hurt me.My Application: Don't let the awkwardness linger. Don't wallow in self pity and don't allow myself the lazy space to mentally rip them apart. Seek out a cup of coffee with that someone who I think has a problem with me. Ask them point blank "have I done something to offend you?".

Some stuff I’ll be working on for a long time. Thoughts?

Learning to Love My Wife

My wife and I just celebrated 12 years of marriage. About two years into our marriage I began to see who I really was. I vividly remember brushing snow off my car in the morning and asking two questions "why do I live in New York" and “why did we have that argument last night.” The second one was obviously the more pressing question. I began driving to work haunted by something much deeper about the reason for that argument we had the night before. For some reason I had an epiphany on that bitter cold snowy morning, “Dan you love yourself more than you love her... really, you do.” I remember realizing this and not being able to get away from it. All day it pressed on me. It was like steam on the mirror was evaporating and I was starting to get a better look at myself. The more I saw the more that sad reality about myself sank in. I had gotten into rut of interaction were I was first looking out for my own needs, my own desires and my own concerns. Sure, I loved her, thought of her, cared for her but I realized my energy was first being spent on myself. She in essence was getting leftover love.

I don’t know how it happened. It wasn’t just about arguments. It was the framework of how I existed in our marriage. I was overwhelmed by how self-oriented I was, how selfish I was, how much concern I had for myself. I began to recognize its present effects: I couldn’t just sit and listen to her for long periods of time, it was an exception when I asked her if I could serve her in some way, I didn’t do the work to learn how to sexually please her body and mind, I did not encourage and empower her to tackle something she uniquely enjoyed, I was afraid to give her freedom because I was afraid my own wants wouldn’t be met, I didn’t work to converse and download with her first, I was unsympathetic to her pressures, I drew hard lines between what she did and what I did in our relationship, I precisely critiqued her instead of being patient to coach her through weaknesses in her life, I was automatically defensive when she asked something of me, I expressed insecurity that she wasn’t giving me the emotional attention I needed and the list could goes on. The shame that overcame me seemed unbearable. How could I kill this me-monster?

I truly wanted to love her like Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:22-23). Christ loved with self-emptying love, self-sacrificing love, self-humbling service for the sake of raising up the beauty of the church. Love like this does not come natural.

I could not just kill my own self-love and selfishness. I had to begin a journey of redirection. To be honest, in the beginning it became a psychological game to me. I was challenged to see how often I could heap active love on Tonya. I realized I wasn’t just going to shut off the self-obsession. I had to wean myself off of that addiction by giving myself a new one. That new one was her. I took an act-as-if approach; I worked on practical concrete ways of loving her over myself before I felt genuine emotions or motivation. I was hit or miss in my consistency, but something was transforming in me. I began to find joy in watching her feel contentment and joy. I really started to get an emotional return from her heart fulfillment. All the while I was becoming less conscious of my own internal voice clamoring for attention and wants to be met. I didn’t realize it at the time but learning to love is learning to enjoy someone else’s needs being met. I’m convinced that because I toiled to submit to the life giving truth in Ephesians 5:22-23 God’s spirit began to change my character.

This next aspect isn’t talked about much but men struggle with issues of feeling inadequate and insecure in their identity. Most men when confronted with inadequacy or feeling like a failure turn in on themselves and become even more of a narcissist. I see this by how we amp up indulging in what gives us pleasure or personal excitement. I additionally see this play out in how we try harder to prove to others we are something to be reckoned with or pouring ourselves into succeeding at work. I stumbled into discovering that the beast of inadequacy had less power on me because my sense of self-esteem received an adrenaline boost by learning to be a lover. In a weird way it felt powerful to know my wife was satisfied, secure and deeply cared for. In my marriage, the most intimate and vulnerable place in my life, I was finding a rich sense of satisfaction in knowing she was well loved; she felt like the crowned jewel of creation.

I learned a theological lesson because of this. Being a lover leads to honor. Jesus was exalted and honored by the Father because of his self-emptying love for humanity. In many ways learning to be a serious lover leads to restored honor.

C.S Lewis 'Till We Have Faces

'Till We Have Faces is a book a read a couple of years ago because it was recommended by a good friend. I found it profound and deeply moving. It is a retelling of the Greek myth of Cupid and Psyche, which had haunted Lewis all his life. It is daring, experimental, and unlike anything before or after it in his published work. The setting for the book is in an unnamed time, in a mythical land of Glome. I assume it is set in the distant past. The leader of Glome (King Trom) has daughters: Orual and Psyche.

Psyche, the younger of the sisters, is beautiful both of face and spirit and beloved by all. She is sent as a sacrifice to the gods when trouble invades the township. Orual is ugly (in her own words) and as an adult, does not show her face in public. After her father's death, she is crowned queen, and finds that her life experiences have made her a wise and fair ruler.

The story centers on the love between the two sisters (Orual and Psyche). But the love Orual has for her sister is exposed incrementally as you see her self-hatred, her jealousy of Psyche and the questioning of whether the gods are good.

'Till We Have Faces examines how the heart loves – and that it can destroy a relationship when insecurity and ego poison the purity of love. It examines self-perceived truth that can become cloaked in jealousy and protectiveness. It examines spirituality, not the traditional relationship with God, but rather the internal peace and sanctity that every person must find to discover who they really are. It is a powerful, moving story that causes the reader to evaluate and think through their personal love, truth and spirituality, and the driving force behind each one. Identity is at the core of the mythic drama throughout the book. Loved it.

http://www.amazon.com/Till-We-Have-Faces-Retold/dp/0156904365

Sometimes God Pushes Pause.

I remember about 9 years ago I was counseling a young married couple through some difficult stuff in their marriage. We had been meeting for about 2 months and were coming to the end of our sessions together. There was a significant moment when in closing both the husband and wife said “Dan you saved our marriage, we couldn’t have done this without you.” I recall that statement and the feeling that rushed over me and I liked it… too much. The power of being needed and being the only source of help was intoxicating. Little did I know but that moment kicked off a year of private ego stroking and a pursuit of more opportunities where I could be the spiritual hero. It wasn’t until the end of that year that God graciously pushed the pause button on me. I hate pause. I like to keep moving, keep going to get to the next part. But God is less concerned with getting us to the next sequence. True to His character he is more concerned with the state of our heart.

I was tempted to blow past the pause God wanted me to take. I thought I was doing fine up to that point. But God wanted me to stop all the action and movement. When I honestly decided to cooperate with God’s spirit, he exposed in me the sticky tar of ”being needed and essential” that had gunked up my heart and motives.

This wasn’t something I was warned about in my pastoral training. I didn’t hear about this sly temptation that would steal away my pure love for serving others and turn it into food for my needy identity. Actually I was taught to have the answers, fix people’s problems and help free people up; all the while perched on my place of spiritual authority. Something so formulaic and seemingly Biblical was actually making me less internally formed by Jesus. My identity and sense of value was rooting itself in compliments and who I was to the people I was leading. Then I stumbled upon a book by Brennan Manning titled “Abba’s Child”. That treasure of a book came from God’s hand at the right time in my life.

The most searing chapter was titled “the imposter”. It tore right through my layers and pulled into the light a hungry ego I was nurturing through outwardly holy means. Funny thing is it was robbing me of true intimacy with Jesus. I think I had convinced myself I was close with God because I was having a regular “quiet time” and God was proud of me because of it. But I started to see my own masks, pretenses and outward displays of saintliness for what they were… smoke screens that covered who I truly was. Nine years ago God’s careful hand broke me. The core of my discovery was about how I identified myself.

God created us to draw life from his Son and how he sees us rather than compliments and good opinions from even the most well intended stranger. I still have to revisit this elementary but recalibrating truth; “I am in the beloved and Abba Father sees me for who I really am and still offers me unconditional love. I am who I am because of God’s love for me not because of what I can do for you or how I am seen by you.” Wanting to be needed, or to be the hero, or be the spiritual authority is a bottom line issue of acceptance that builds a weak identity.

Some tell tale signs that you might be leading or serving out of a false sense of identity are:
1. Being easily offended or defensive when your opinion is not well received
2. Being quick to take the upper hand in a conversation
3. Needing to be acknowledged for your significant role in someone’s life
4. Convincing yourself you can fix someone’s life if you were given control
5. Seeing your counsel as coming directly from God

Is God pushing the pause button on you?