Mr. Insecurity

I felt compelled to be a little transparent with my ongoing story in this entry, as I’m hoping God will use it to encourage someone to lean into Jesus Christ with authenticity and lay hold of him to find their stability.

I’m 33 and entering another phase of life. I’ve had a few realizations this last week about how radical of a transition I’m in, not just because I’m in the process of planting a church for the first time but more because of the quiet deeper work God is doing in me. When I was 15 I remember the daily struggle and internal wrestling of trying to figure out who I was amidst the sea of teens fighting for their identity in school; jocks, druggies, players, churchy-types, goths, and loners. I remember the constant wonderment “where do I fit, am I any of those things?” Insecurity and identity has been a lifelong theme and a point of spiritual work in my life. I remember buckling under the pressure once as the quarterback in high school during a key game. The overwhelming eyes and expectations to be a star, to lead the team, to wow everybody caused me to fold and even look like I forgot how to throw the football. I’ve been a youth pastor for 14 years now, traveled throughout NY/PA as a speaker and counseled many marriages and families into health. You’d think I’d find my confidence by now. I’ve read great books “Abba’s Child” by Brennan Manning, Henri Nouwen on identity in Christ, went through great counseling, received spiritual warfare but that disposition of self-assurance still seems to allude me. It surprises people that I wrestle with this but I still feel like that adolescent sometimes. I’ve actually had a passing thought over the years that this insecurity is a curse or a thorn in my flesh given to me by God, I’m not really sure that’s my reality but either way I thought it.

As I’m planting this church, knowing full well God has downloaded this vision into my being, I still wobble a little with fear that I will buckle under the expectations. My internal ongoing discipline is to wash my mind over with the truth that “I don’t have to fit in or live up to others expectations but instead I’m God’s beloved, his workmanship and I’m secure in him.” As I look at the ministry and dynamic kingdom work I’ve enjoyed I can’t help but see that the wind of God’s spirit has been at my back pushing me along and giving me progressive victory with what I’ve put my hands to.

I’ve always been a bit of an odd lad choosing to make my own way, pick up a little of this and little of that and then diving in to carve out a new path with excitement but trailing 2 steps behind me has always been Mr. Insecurity. I think this is why I’ve always found 1 and 2 Timothy so appropriate for me. Timothy is a young leader, struggling with confidence in the face of great challenges, older men and a new work. I’d like to think I’m more rooted in Christ than I’ve ever been, Colossians says “hidden in Christ”. I know one thing is true: it’s the only hope for this recovering 15 year old.

Church is for Lovers*

You know, I do things now I’d never have done just because of love. I hate emptying the dish washer and reloading it. I hate shoveling the driveway, I d rather just ram through it with my car. I don’t dig working on a garden when I don’t like vegetables much. I’m not a big fan of spontaneous gift giving. But you know what I love my gal. I do stuff just because I’m in love with her and she loves me back intensely. I must reciprocate. We do crazy things for love.

Why should we live for God, make choices in alignment with the scriptures, pursue inner purity, outer morality and sacrificial service to others? I think it should be anchored in LOVE. I remember that slogan “fear God” that was popular a few years ago and made its way onto t-shirts, bumper stickers and billboards. I’m not a big fan of that kind of motivation. That “wake up church, God is not happy with you, a spanking is coming your way” language seems to scratch that itch we have for hard speech, but I’m not sure it does God’s character justice. It is true that God is dangerous and not the kind of deity you mess with, you ignore and play hypocrite with… all very true but not inherently a good motivator. We are motivated by love. We do crazy things for love. We go-to-town to change things because of fierce love. I believe this is part of our design, our “image of God”. God put that powerful love switch in our circuit board. Satan surely takes advantage of that switch and diverts us to love lesser gods more and believe we really need their love in return to survive. But it’s always a love thing. We need to do less teaching on getting right with God out of sheer obedience and more teaching about how ravenous, bold, perfect, sacrificial and selfless God’s love is for us through Jesus. This is no wimpy doctrine. It’s not about wonderfully romantic thoughts God has about us all day long. It’s about a God who defies sanity and logic. Take a look at the book of Hosea, it wrecks my wiring every time I read it. How can God love us like that? How can He pursue me when I’m bowing down to lesser things? How can He love me so consistently when my inner motives are twisted up in selfishness and envy? Why does He want me when I like me more than I like Him? Well the supernatural answers is... that’s who God is. The more I marinate in and remember God’s Holy Love, I am moved to love him back emotionally but also actively. In Luke 7 we see human love expressed to God in the story of Jesus' feet being anointed with tears and perfume by a humble woman. It’s not some cheap romance or soap opera love. This kind of love has some grit and follow-through. It took me some time several years ago to shake off using my desire to not disappoint God as my fuel for obedience and replacing it with a Calvary-soaked love instead. That’s why I think the church should be known as place filled with lovers.


*"Church is for Lovers" is one of the chapters in my forthcoming book "Do or Die: Surviving the Faith."

Tiger Woods

When the news about Tiger's affairs first came out months ago, honestly I thought “what a loser”. But today I watched his apology and actually felt grief for him. During that apology I had to take back my words, seeing the reality of temptation upon that guy. That kind of temptation is something I cannot fathom. I teach students all the time about the value of wise boundaries. I state how we often embrace the foolish lie that we are strong enough to will our selves not to sin. We are not that strong. I’m not sure if I could hold up under the pressure of temptation that surrounded Tiger Woods. It really isn’t a matter of will power or brute resistance. We can all drown in temptation. You don’t get to a point where you’re churched enough or holy enough to walk effortlessly in the midst of temptation like that. So wisdom says run… run like H.E double hockey sticks!

I was bored with God*.

When I grew up I heard a lot about Jesus as Savior. I heard good preaching on how badly I needed to be saved from my own sin and choices. The scenario was often laid out well; there was an obvious disparity between an empty teenager and a Perfect God. The sole picture that began to form in my head was this strong Jesus, a grand super hero who came to earth sacrificially to rescue me. It’s what I told my unsaved friends about and it is a profound and pivotal truth.

When I attended a Bible College at 19, I found myself around a lot of bored Christians. Ya see they were already saved (at least they thought they were), and there wasn’t much else to do other they keep out of trouble and make sure to do your morning devotions. I began to wonder, “Is this all there is?”. I was a freshman and a bored Christian, that didn’t want to be bored. I began to feel I was only getting half the story, half the message, maybe even half the gospel. You know I didn’t have much else to talk about other than my own personal pursuit of holiness. Was there something greater, bigger, and more compelling about what Jesus did, other than just what he rescued me from? Was I rescued for something? My unsettledness began with my investigation of the nation of Israel’s plight in the Old Testament. Why was God so frustrated with them, was it only because they were immoral and worshiping false gods? Did God gather them for the sole reason that they were to be a bragging point for purity and exclusive faithfulness to Him? I began to see that God actually had fuller dreams and plans for this gathering of people.

In my sophomore year in 1998, I read this bothersome book by Darrell L. Gudar titled “Missional Church: A Vision for The Gospel and Our Culture.” A couple of chapters in that book seriously messed me up. I remember a specific moment at school, sitting on the floor in the back of the library basement with the florescent lights flickering over head, crying and having an epiphany that God was way more than a “Super Hero God”. I began to realize I was a Christian Narcissist. I started to wonder what I was supposed to do about this. How was I supposed to live out of this bigger Gospel, this larger epic?

Fast forward and now the clearest reality in the center of my existence is that the same God who rescued me, now has a big supernatural project he’s calling me to, calling us all to...its stink’n huge. God is up to something extremely subversive, backwards and quietly powerful on this planet. I guess I’ve been trying to drag teenagers with me on this mission ever since.

More of Good Questions*

I’m working though a chapter in my book called Good Questions. It’s born out of spending years with young people, as well parents within the church walls and finding a consistent fear that is deep within us of asking questions when it comes to matters of faith, spirituality and following Jesus. It’s almost as if there is an unsaid agreement in our Christian culture that everything is already figured out or nailed down, so we just need to get down to applying it. It pervades our Christian discipleship programs, teaching series and best sellers that we should listen to our teachers, acknowledge our need to change and then download the given information. I’m not sure this is a good exercise, I’m not sure this leads to genuine transformation. It seems potentially we’ve been asking young people to take their genuine questions and sweep them under the carpet until there is a mound in the living room of their life, that ends up creating a disillusionment they don’t know how to get around. The predicament we are in is one of ownership; ownership of the bond, the interaction, the bumpiness, the mystery, humility and joy in having a relationship with a Glorious God we cannot physically see and touch. This is why I am drawn to the writings of C.S Lewis and more recently David Dark. Both of these authors blast through clichés in order to lay hold of a deeper more saturated trust in Christ. Trust me; young people have questions they just don’t know if they are allowed to ask them. What do you think?


"Good Questions" is a chapter in my forthcoming book "Do or Die: Surviving the Faith."

Good Questions

"Lord, what on earth is going on?" That's what the Psalmist in the 9th chapter seems to be clawing for. In this Psalm, David's deep anxious curiosity leads him to ask God... what's up? "What's up with your rule of righteousness and the evil choices of men, how do they coexist?" Psalm 9 asks classic hard questions: "God, do you know what is happening down here? Will you get involved? Will right eventually triumph?

I really believe intimacy with God is birthed at the collision point of an authentic question and the turmoil in asking it of God. I find that I'm constantly asking questions? "Why is that leader still standing tall, why is that little girl left without parents, why do you make me wait while others are moving ahead, why am I so broke?" I don't always get the answer I want but at least I'm getting nearer to God. I'm have a strong suspicion that David progressively earned that infamous title "a man after God's own heart" because he kept turning to God to ask good questions.