Power
is a tricky thing. I remember as a teenager discovering I had some speed and
athleticism. I was no Superman but I was a fast little goober that could throw
the ball on target. That was enough in my small school to push me to the front.
I made the football team and found I had power on the field that evidently
flowed into the halls of my high school. Being the quarterback gave
me a compelling identity in contrast to my previous nobody ranking. Here’s the curious thing about power, I tried out for
the team with a trembling spirit but within months I was relishing the
attention that being a quarterback gave me. Internally I morphed into a hungry
ego gremlin that began to ooze on the outside.
Powers Leverage
My hypothesis
is that most don’t seek power for the intent to dominate. Yet, power
has leverage on our innocence and original intentions, eroding them both
without our noticing. This is what occurred in my quarterback
situation and I've seen it play out in various domains. I did
not play for power but when it was attained it had an insidious effect on
me. This is the moral of Boromir in the Lord of the Rings.
Originally he's called “good hearted” but the Ring gave him command and
influence. At first he did not desire the power of wizard-lords but only
desired to protect his people. Eventually, the acquisition of power
corrupted his character. Often we're not completely cognoscente of
the power we've collected but when made aware of it, we can’t imagine
living without it. Power offers us a firm status and more preferable
identity..
Discipleship Hero-Complex
I’d
like to apply this subtle power trajectory to the art of
discipleship. Nothing fuels me more than the space of discipleship; I feel
at home in this expanse. Discipleship is energizing as it affirms the good
pulsing within, confronts the idols we cling to and sends us back into the
world on mission. In most rooms I’ve been the defacto discipler since I’ve been
a pastor for the last 15 years. Ten years ago I began to
detect a lurking energy in the dynamic of my discipleship methods. Something about this unnamed energy was reminiscent of
my time in high school. I now know a raw and real phenomenon actualizes in the
discipling relationship. When guiding someone towards transformation something
takes place - a power forms. A
Hero-Complex sprouts in the transaction. In my good intentions to disciple, venom was simultaneously
sneaking into my blood stream. This
venom wanted to riddle my body with egotism. Honestly, I did not chase after this Hero-Complex, it
grew in strength with my effectual influence and I ignorantly cozied up to it. I was becoming a little deity in my own little empire. Most are sharp enough not to wallow in this publicly
but we know it; being a spiritual hero is intoxicating.
Keeping an Untarnished Image
Spiritual
Leaders are often taught to keep their weakness close to the vest, lest we
cause someone to stumble. If it’s not taught directly it’s modeled
indirectly. I rationalized why keeping my image visibly untarnished was
good for everybody. I was genuine in my desire to be used of the Holy
Spirit as a discipler but it could not compensate for the system I was a member
of. It took a traumatic event to spotlight the egotism inherent in my approach.
In 2003 there was an interruption to my Discipleship fantasy and it rattled me.
I watched a deeply trusted leader collapse. My heart was cracked. I was close
to this leader, I loved this leader, I was discipled by this leader. As I
grieved I had an unnerving realization “I knew little of his
inner world, How could this be? I was in close discipleship quarters with him.
How was I not privy to his brokenness when I offered mine regularly?" Something unhinged in me.
Agony in Vulnerability
I
was done with infrastructures that created pseudo-popes out of spiritual
leaders. My first impulse was to rail against all leadership that posed and
protected but God’s Spirit confronted me to move beyond anger cloaked in a
righteous agenda. God instead pinned me on
my own unexamined discipleship practices. I needed reformation but I was confused at where to
begin. Romantically, I thought I could construct a new way of discipling that
had no power dynamics, no acknowledged leader. I was wrong. No matter the context there will always be a bit of
deference to a defacto discipler. My
fresh passion needed to be harangued into something valuable on the ground.
I had studied social psychology and found some valuable insights there but it was the oddity of Jesus that confronted my leadership principles. In one of Jesus’ weakest moments in the Garden of Gethsemane, a place of intense strain, he does something foolish in the school of leadership. Jesus invites Peter, James and John in close to behold his struggle. Jesus pioneers space for others to witness his knee-knocking fragility. “Dad, I’m afraid, could you please take this cup from me?” (Luke 22:42). Jesus is violently vulnerable. Don’t domesticate what Jesus did. In our culture this would be called “seeing someone at their worst”. The Hero Jesus was exposing disciples to the drama of his own humbling. (Phil 2) The wisdom of this is hidden from leadership experts. There is an agony in Christ vulnerability. Theologically I knew about the weakness of God on the cross but my senses were opening to how this flowed into real-time discipleship habits. To participate in Christ is to participate in weakness with others.
Self-Sabotaging Egotism
I had studied social psychology and found some valuable insights there but it was the oddity of Jesus that confronted my leadership principles. In one of Jesus’ weakest moments in the Garden of Gethsemane, a place of intense strain, he does something foolish in the school of leadership. Jesus invites Peter, James and John in close to behold his struggle. Jesus pioneers space for others to witness his knee-knocking fragility. “Dad, I’m afraid, could you please take this cup from me?” (Luke 22:42). Jesus is violently vulnerable. Don’t domesticate what Jesus did. In our culture this would be called “seeing someone at their worst”. The Hero Jesus was exposing disciples to the drama of his own humbling. (Phil 2) The wisdom of this is hidden from leadership experts. There is an agony in Christ vulnerability. Theologically I knew about the weakness of God on the cross but my senses were opening to how this flowed into real-time discipleship habits. To participate in Christ is to participate in weakness with others.
Self-Sabotaging Egotism
Leaders are
notorious for offering idealized reflections of themselves. We’re all
tempted to suppress anything that would threaten our guru image. We
must take a sledge to that superiority soaked in sage spiritual insight. Discipleship
has a power dynamic that must be sabotaged. I’m convinced the nucleus
for change is the self-imposed offering of vulnerability. God was not calling
me to stop discipling but was inviting me into a new tension; a tension that
God in Jesus inhabited with 1st Century disciples. I needed to offer
teeth clenching vulnerability in the very discipleship huddles I was
piloting. Over the years I’ve learned this is easier said than
done. First, I’ve had to learn (still learning) how to be naked in
my insecurities, fears, idols and unrepentant angers. Downloading
vulnerability into my own discipleship approach has risked rejection. We're
all weak most of us are just too afraid to admit it. Second, I’ve
learned that vulnerability from a discipler can be disorienting for
apprentices. A discipler off their pedestal looks iconoclastic
to some. Many find confidence in having access to a leader who
appears quixotic in their connection to God. Even the most progressive
among us lives vicariously through the strength of leaders, online celebrities
and writers. Having spiritual leaders secured in their place provides us with a
solid point of reference. We want our spiritual leaders to be spiritual
maharishis.
Taking Shortcuts
There
are ways pastor’s shortcut around this; they banish their struggles into a
container. One of those tricks is vulnerability in preaching or from a
media/writing platform; I call this pulpit
protection. There is an unspoken
detachment in a platform or a pulpit. Vulnerability from a pulpit can actually
prop up our image with people. This does not mean you should not model a
fitting vulnerability from public platforms but please understand its serious
relational limits. The other shortcut: pastors are solely vulnerable with other
pastors. I used to think this was the only appropriate domain for me. I thought
only they could understand. This has proven to be well intentioned but misguided
leadership wisdom. If you want
to call others into covenant-community you cannot contract your vulnerability
out to some off-ramp or pit-crew.
Opening Up Space
Discipleship
has changed dramatically for me in the last 10 years. It has been awkward and
discomforting at point blank range. Yet I've discovered something
afresh, mutual vulnerability opens up space for the Spirit of God. A
mini-temple springs up between us; a temple the Holy Spirit enjoys hanging out
in. No longer am I convinced God needs my brilliant strength more than he needs
my weakness. So be on the look out for sophisticated ways we photoshop
ourselves. No matter what tool you employ in discipleship, it must
include a power sabotaging element. Institutional Leaders do
not offer people deep meaning, incarnational ones do.
Well done! Thank you for sharing. I feel like every pastor needs to be reminded of this. The conversation on Fitch's blog about celebrity leadership led me here (but I regularly check in on your blog and find your writing helpful:). This piece works well with Fitch's blog post.
ReplyDeleteJesus' example of humble submission while in a position of powerful leadership is such a beautiful thing; and so different from what seems to be the norm.
Submission to God and one another has been something I've been thinking a lot about recently. I find it not only a power sabotage, but actually the source from which our power comes.
Hey Ryan,
ReplyDeleteThanks for checking in. It is hard to believe that vulnerability w/ God and others can actually be a source of power. This is something I've been slow to really learn over the years.
Awesome. The scope of you're insights reveal some pretty deep reflections. Love your blog bro.
ReplyDeleteThanks friend.
ReplyDeleteThanks Dan for your authenticity- really is refreshing and I'm grateful to learn it from you in action! I especially love the football and lord of the rings analogy and then that example of jesus's vulnerability with His disciples, never took time to ponder on that but- so true!!
ReplyDeleteJesus'**
ReplyDeleteAmanda, Love having you a part of our community. You have a lot to contribute. Serious.
DeleteNow this is a post that is screaming out for specifics!
DeleteYou gotta give some details here.